A Letter to Pornhub Customer Support
Dear Pornhub,
I have noticed that on your site,
There are no videos of loving couples.
I’ve found videos of people fucking
Upside down,
Tied to chairs,
Putting things I didn’t know men had
In places I didn’t know women had,
But no one really seems to be enjoying it.
There’s no laughter,
No flowers,
No intimacy.
The first time I touched a girl’s chest,
Pornhub,
We had spent the previous fifteen minutes
Reading Harry Potter erotica in funny voices in my backseat.
I’ve found that people like to feel safe.
From now on,
I’d like to see what comes before foreplay,
The things that make people want
To take off their clothes in a lit room.
I want to see couples
Smacking each other’s asses in a Sears
And shaking hands with the mannequins,
Hitting it off at a party and bonding over the Barbie movie
And their favorite kind of gummy bears.
Sex needs a prelude—
I think I speak for most of your viewers when I say
I am horny but I am not a monster.
I know you can do it, Pornhub.
You’re clearly not short on creativity.
So bring a camera to a Costco
And hire an actor for his personality,
Buy some red Solo cups and a disco ball
And let’s make some real porn.
Maybe next time I search “loving couple” on your site,
I won’t get videos of extramarital threesomes.
Sincerely,
Cupid
Scott Sorensen is a sophomore at Dartmouth College in Hanover, NH, studying English while also performing standup, writing for the Dartmouth Jack-O-Lantern satire magazine, and helping edit the Stonefence Review. His work has previously appeared in Stonefence Review and Quibble Lit. Scott dreams of becoming the first Latvian man to win an MMA championship, which is pretty unlikely given the fact that he is not Latvian and has no idea how to fight.
The Albion Review 