Sophie van Zanten

Lillian

I didn’t mean to kiss him. I mean, I did, but I didn’t think it would go this far. There was just something in the air at that party that made me do it. But it was never meant to be more than that. He wasn’t supposed to fall in love with me. I know that I led him on a bit because who wouldn’t want the attention? Who doesn’t want to feel loved? I knew from the beginning that whatever was going on between us was never going to turn into something more for me. All I wanted was a little fun. But now here I am, watching the sun start to set, waiting for him to pick me up to drive an hour up north to attend his sister’s wedding because I don’t know how to tell people no. I’m not too enthusiastic about going because I’ve never even met her, but Dylan was practically begging me to go with him. I get a text that he’s outside and brace myself for the evening to come. When I get in his car, I can’t help but notice the way he’s looking at me.

❧

Dylan

“Hi there, beautiful,” I say as Lily takes shotgun in my car. She truly does look beautiful, and I swear she is more and more every day. Being able to take her to meet my family has been something I’ve wanted to do since the moment I met her just so that I can show her off. 

“Thank you, Dylan. You don’t look too bad yourself,” she responds. When she speaks, she gets this little dimple in her left cheek that I can’t help but smile whenever I focus on it. I like to think that it only appears when she talks to me and no one else. Once Lily fastens her seatbelt, I peel off of her street and make my way towards the interstate. I have seen her all dressed up like this before, but something about the way she looks tonight is making my heart melt. I catch myself looking at her at every stop light and stop sign, unable to peel my eyes away. 

“What?” she chuckles at me.

“Nothing.” I try to hold back my smile but my efforts are futile. 

“Well then stop staring, it’s creepy.” Her response makes me let out a small laugh, unable to keep it in.

“I just love you Lillian, that’s all.” It’s the truth. I do love her, and I will take every chance I get to tell her that. She brushes me off as I pull my car onto the interstate, looking forward to our evening together with my family. 

Lillian

I hate the way Dylan drives. I wouldn’t say that he’s a dangerous driver—more like a reckless one, but every time I’m in the car with him I can’t help but feel a little uneasy. Especially tonight because he can’t stop looking over at me, even though I told him to stop. 

He’s been talking about tonight for weeks and has been constantly expressing his excitement, but me on the other hand, I’ve been dreading it. I have no desire to meet his family, and I haven’t had one since the beginning, but I’m a pathological people pleaser, so I said yes. I don’t even know if I love him back. Maybe I do, and maybe I don’t, but in the end I can’t commit to him like he wants me to—it’s not what I want. I’ve tried to tell him this, but he just won’t listen. He seems to think that everything about us is perfect. He thinks that I’m perfect.

“Dylan, seriously, stop looking at me. Keep your eyes on the road please.” I catch him looking at me again, which I could brush off before, but now we’re going seventy-five on the highway. 

“Sorry, Lily, I just can’t help myself. I’m not convinced that you’re real sometimes.” He reaches over the center console to grab my hand, and I let him take it.

❧

Dylan

I don’t have the guts to tell her that I think we’re lost. I lied earlier when I told her I know exactly where we’re going—I only know the general area of the venue. But I don’t care. All this means to me is that I get to spend a little extra time with her. All I need is her hand in mine. 

“So… the fifteenth is coming up,” I say to her.

“What about it?” she responds. 

I chuckle to myself because I know that she knows what that date means, she’s just trying to mess with me.

“Ha ha very funny,” I joke back, but Lily just stares at me with a look of slight confusion. “It’ll have been three months since we started dating.” I’m not entirely sure if dating is the right term since I never technically asked her to be my girlfriend, but I don’t think it’s that important. I love her, and she loves me, and that’s all that matters. I look at her and reach over to grab her hand with both of mine to show her how much this means to me, how much I value the time that we have spent together.

“Dylan! Grab the wheel!” she yells at me. I whip my head back to the road and correct the wheel after starting to drift into another lane. Lily brings a hand to her chest as if to try and bring her heart rate down while I wonder about why I somehow completely forgot I was driving.

❧

Lillian

I think that Dylan would rather die than take his eyes off of me. 

Dylan

I think I would rather die than take my eyes off of her.

❧

Lillian

I can’t say that this is the first time Dylan has scared me this bad whilst he was driving; he almost ran us straight into the back of a semi-truck last week. It freaked me out when he brought up our so-called anniversary, but maybe it freaked him out more because I didn’t respond to him.

I just don’t get him at all. He puts my life in danger, but it’s like he’s so ready to be in this relationship and has no second thoughts and knows that he loves me. He never fails to show it, ever; any other girl would kill to be in my position. 

But I just don’t love him like that. I’m careful, deliberate, pessimistic even. We’re complete opposites. So when he looks at me when he’s driving, I can’t help but feel bad. I feel bad that he’s so invested, and I’m not on the same level as him, but I can’t find a way to tell him. I think maybe he felt it this time, too, because he hasn’t looked at me since our scare earlier, but maybe he didn’t. His hands are on ten and two, and the speedometer is slowly rising, nearing ninety. 

❧

Dylan

Maybe I’m moving things too fast, but I just can’t help myself. She has all of the qualities I could ever ask for in a partner: she’s funny, easygoing, and way smarter than me. How could anyone resist? I do feel bad when I make her feel uneasy when I’m driving. I know that she’s a careful driver, but it’s like something overcomes me and all I want to do is hold her. 

“I’m sorry for scaring you, Lillian. It was an accident,” I explain to her.

“I know,” she responds. Her face looks incredibly stoic, distraught even, whilst she looks  

out of the window. I can’t peel my eyes away; even in this state she is ever so beautiful.

“Dylan! The road!” 

I quickly turn my head back to the stretching road ahead of us and center back into my lane. I see that I’m now going 100; I don’t really know why, but I can’t bring myself to slow down. 

“I swear one of these days you’re gonna kill us, Dyl,” she scolds me. 

“Just relax, we’ll be at the venue soon.”

“I’m being serious. I don’t want to be there when you inevitably lose control and kill us both. I won’t.” I see tears forming in her eyes, but I can’t seem to fathom why. I’ve scared her like this before—I tend to be a reckless driver, but she normally just gets over it. 

“I really am sorry, okay? I promise that I’ll try to be more careful.” Even after saying that I can’t help but notice that the speedometer is inching its way closer to 110. 

❧

Lillian

I can’t take this anymore. Every time I’m in the car with him, without fail, I always find myself gripping the passenger door handle. He speeds, he takes his hands off of the wheel, and he doesn’t keep his eyes on the road. Sure, I’ve had my fun with him, but it was never meant to go this far. 

“Can you please slow down, you’re freaking me out,” I say. Dylan looks over at me but his lead foot does not let up. “And keep your eyes on the road.” He turns back, foot still unrelenting.

“Lily, what would you do if we got into an accident?”

“What kind of question is that?” I probe him, scared but curious to know where he’s headed. 

“Like, if we were to crash right now, would you try to protect me?” 

“Dyl–”

“Or would you save yourself? Because I know what I would do. I would try to save you, Lil.” He says this with so much love in his voice which completely contradicts his actions right now. I think our speed is up to 115, deadly if one wrong move is made. 

“I don’t know what I would do, and I hope I never have to find out.” 

Silence falls between us and the only sound is the air passing by our speeding car. I look out the window, trying to take my mind off of the fact that we’re going at a speed I never want to be at again in my life. 

“Do you love me?” I turn to find him already looking at me.

❧

Dylan

“I don’t think this is really the time for this, Dylan.” Her voice wavers.

“That’s not an answer.” I try to suppress whatever feeling is bubbling up inside of me while I wait for her to answer my question.

“I don’t know, okay? Maybe I do, maybe I don’t. I just don’t know.” 

I turn my head back to the road as I continue to press on the gas pedal. 120. I’ve never gone this fast before, but it doesn’t bother me, my reckless driving never has. I do think that it bothers Lily, though; she’s been holding onto her door handle ever since she got into the car with me. Now that I think about it, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her not holding onto that handle. 

“I get it now.”

“What?”

“I love you like that, Lillian. I would rather die trying to save you than try to save myself, but you wouldn’t. You don’t love me like that.” Tears start to blur my vision but I refuse to slow down. I feel so much love for her but this is bringing up a new feeling in me that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. I see that she’s crying now too, but there’s a look on her face that tells me it isn’t for the same reason that I’m crying. She looks scared. 

“You’re right. I don’t love you like that.”

❧

Lillian

“And I think that the sooner you accept that, the better off we will be. I know that I have to let you go because I can’t be your savior, Dylan. I can’t be the person you want me to be.” I try my best at letting him down easy but I don’t think it’s working. He’s running his hands through his hair out of frustration, once again taking his hands off the wheel, making my heart jump out of my chest. He turns his head to me again with tears rolling down his face.

“I love you like that. I know that you’re a careful driver, and I’m reckless, but who cares? Maybe you can love me like that one day!”

I look ahead to see the car drifting towards the shoulder and towards the wall of trees alongside the road.  “Dylan we’re drifting! Pay attention!” 

This time he doesn’t correct himself. He instead keeps his eyes glued on me, completely unwavering as I keep my gaze forward and watch as the trees grow closer and closer. We’re going too fast. I was too late. The road gets rough. The headlights shine between the trees and illuminate the dense forest. I close my tear-filled eyes just as I feel Dylan grab my hand one last time.  

❧

Dylan

I would rather die than take my eyes off of her.